When I woke up, I had become a completely different woman.
At first I was stunned, then I started thinking: how did this happen? I still remembered that I was a man last night.
(Now I begin to recall last night's events) Yes, I remember clearly that last night I drank with a buddy until midnight, then we scrounged together all the money we had on us and went to a nearby hair salon. At the entrance, my buddy said that there's a prostitute in this salon who looks as beautiful as Song Zuying. At the time, I argued with him heatedly, face red and neck thick, saying, 'Song Zuying is considered beautiful? Zhao Wei is the one who's truly beautiful!'
My buddy is an unreasonable person who shows no respect for my aesthetic taste. He actually said that someone like Zhao Wei, with eyes as big as a donkey's, has no femininity at all. Of course, I argued with him; I felt he insulted my idol. After a war of words, we both compromised because we realized that after drinking two bottles of Erguotou, we were both speaking somewhat incoherently. Arguing on the street while so drunk would really damage our image, after all, we are both refined gentlemen.
So my buddy humbly said: "Yes, yes, Zhao Wei is prettier after all. Let me tell you, that chick is as pretty as Zhao Wei." I was very satisfied, nodded, and went in with him.
After searching for a long time, I finally found the one said to be as beautiful as Zhao Wei among a large flock of clucking chickens. After entering the room, we played rock-paper-scissors to decide who would go first. I lost.
My buddy said he wanted to demonstrate the authentic Tiger Step from the 'Su Nu Jing' for me, so he lifted 'Zhao Wei's' big buttocks. Thinking back now, that girl was far worse than the real Zhao Wei. My buddy then pulled out his 'gun' and officially got to work, thrusting in with a 'crunch'. At that moment, I shouted, 'Wrong! Your movement is wrong!' My buddy froze and asked me what was wrong. I said it was just wrong, that he wasn't using his core strength, just thrusting forward stiffly, completely uncoordinated. Then I pushed him aside to demonstrate. Just as I thrust in, my buddy also shouted, 'Your movement is wrong too!' So he pushed me aside and demonstrated for me. Later, we went back and forth, analyzing and arguing for forty or fifty times, our faces red with debate. By then, the 'Zhao Wei' who had been lying there for over half an hour cried, 'Aren't you just tormenting me?! My arms are numb, my legs are cramping.'
Now there's no hope. It dampened our enthusiasm for research work. It seems we'll have to rush through it. Everyone knows what it feels like when enthusiasm is interrupted. I was quite frustrated at the time. As a result, Zhao Wei kept at it on top of me for over an hour (I prefer the woman-on-top position), but I just couldn't come. Then Zhao Wei cried again: 'Why aren't you coming?' I said, 'Sorry, miss, let's stop. Probably no hope.' So I got off the bed and let my buddy have his fun.
My poor buddy was in the same boat as me. In the end, with no other choice, we both had to awkwardly put our clothes back on and scram. When we came out, we were sneaking around, followed by Zhao Wei crying her eyes out, snot and tears streaming down her face. The madam was quite puzzled, 'What happened here? How did you make our Xiao Ju cry?'
We took off running, and then I heard Xiao Ju or Zhao Wei cursing behind us: 'Wuwu, I curse you to be women in your next lives too! You scumbags.'
Thinking of this, I suddenly understood, slapping my forehead and exclaiming, 'Oh, so that's it! It's because Zhao Wei cursed me to be a woman in my next life last night.' But then it struck me as odd—she said 'next life,' not 'the next day.' How did this happen? How did I sprint into the next life so quickly?
Now, thinking about anything is useless; I just have to face reality. There's a line in Mr. Lu Xun's novel: Old Shuan Hua "felt his pocket; the hard object was still there." Now I feel my crotch; it's empty, gone. Honestly, the feeling at this moment is particularly disheartening. Now I finally understand what people mean by "reality is cruel"—it's just too cruel. The heavens didn't even consult with me, just muddle-headedly castrated me and then installed another organ. I've become a woman.
The only consolation was the two pieces of female-specific flesh on her chest that had always made her daydream. Indeed, I had always thought breasts were the most wonderful thing about a woman’s body, whether from a visual or tactile standpoint. But when those two things suddenly grew on my own body when I woke up, I could no longer think of them as anything wonderful. I just felt terribly sad.
What can be done now? Only console myself; I have to face reality after all. Since childhood, parents and teachers have taught us: you must learn how to adapt to society, how to adapt to the environment, how to adapt to the world. Well now, I also have to learn how to adapt to suddenly becoming a woman. Sartre said, what exists is rational. Now I have indeed become a woman; according to this existentialist master, the phenomenon of me being a woman is completely rational. Damn it, Sartre is purely talking nonsense. If he himself woke up one day and found he had become a woman, I wonder if he—or she—would still dare to pedantically say "what exists is rational."
It's useless to indulge in wild fantasies. I think my ability to adapt to emergencies is quite good. I now clearly understand that the first thing to do is handle the aftermath—some matters left over from when I was still a man. First are my parents, but that's easy to explain. I'm the second child at home; I have a much more accomplished older brother. When my parents had me, their original wish was to have a girl. Unfortunately, heaven didn't comply, resulting in an unfilial son like me. Now it's great; I can call my parents and say, 'Dad, Mom, by chance, your son has turned into a daughter, finally fulfilling your wish.' I guess they'll cry with joy. Really, I've never made my parents happy once in all these years. This is truly a big gift from heaven.
The urgent matter now is to break up with A Lei as soon as possible. A Lei was my girlfriend when I was a man. It was really tough for us to be together, extremely tough—I mean it was tough for me, not for her. Because this woman is just too much of a handful, the hysterical type who cries one moment, laughs the next, jumps around and bounces off the walls. To be honest, I'm a bit annoyed by her, but for the sake of free sex, I reluctantly became her boyfriend. Old C always calls me shameless because one day when I was drunk, I told him about this sordid idea. Old C is the buddy who got drunk with me last night and went to hook up with a prostitute. Actually, someone said it long ago: men love because of sex, women have sex because of love. That statement is so right, absolutely true. I think any man who denies this is hypocritical. So I'm not ashamed of this thought at all!
But now I’ve become a creature of the same attribute as her, and just thinking about it is sad. Before, I was the one fucking others; now others are fucking me. I’m finished. If you don’t have the diamond drill, don’t take on the porcelain work. As a soldier, if you’ve even lost your own gun, what the hell battle are you fighting? But I don’t have time for divergent thinking right now. I need to call Alie quickly and ask her to come so we can discuss it calmly. Sigh, I just hope everyone can stay calm.
"Hey, is A Lei there?" "It's me. Who are you?" "I'm Xiao Wu. Are you free today?" "So you're Xiao Wu?" "Yeah, are you free today?" "You're Xiao Wu? I’m Lady Thatcher. Where did this boring woman come from? Annoying!" With a "smack," the phone was hung up. Only when I heard the droning buzz in the receiver on this end did I realize that my own voice had also turned soft and girlish.
■■ Gender Transformation Record 2 Section 2
Damn it! Why am I so stupid! How could I not have thought that my voice had changed!
I berated myself, then leaned back, collapsing dejectedly onto the bed. What should I do now? Alei definitely wouldn't believe that the 'me' on the phone was the real me and not a counterfeit product. But then again, I am indeed a counterfeit version of myself now. It's not that I disrespect women, it's just that the feeling of suddenly having a different organ is really awkward and frustrating! It's like ordering fish-flavored shredded pork at a restaurant, and the waiter stubbornly replaces it with a plate of stinky tofu in brown sauce.
I sighed to the heavens: 'Oh heavens, you should give me an adaptation process too! Changing my sex so abruptly, are you joking?' After a long while, there was no other movement in the room; the heavens paid me no mind. I guess it's because the heavens are too busy and didn't hear the heartfelt cry of a poor wretch suddenly sex-changed among the vast sea of humanity.
Bored out of my mind, I casually picked up an adult DVD. I always used it as a mirror; the front showed a foreign girl with her legs spread, posing lewdly. The reflective side on the back was perfect for use as a mirror. In the disc was a face full of melancholy and exhaustion. Staring at myself in the DVD, I felt utterly miserable. Oh no! Could that liquid swirling in my eyes be tears? It's over, completely over. Since I learned to masturbate at 14, for over a decade I never cried—I thought my tear ducts had atrophied. Who would have thought that becoming a woman one day would make them spring back to life!
Just as I was胡思乱想 like a woman, someone knocked on the door. Listlessly, I went to open it and was met by Old C rushing in. Old C nodded at me, then looked around: 'Xiao Wu? Is Xiao Wu home? Where is he?' My heart sank, knowing Old C hadn't recognized me. I quickly jumped in front of him, almost bumping noses, looking at him hopefully, wishing he would recognize me. But he just looked at me hesitantly for a moment, then continued rummaging around looking for Xiao Wu, muttering as he searched: 'Where'd he run off to, where'd that bastard run off to? Still owes me 200 bucks...'
Hearing that, I ignored him.
Old C turned my room upside down but couldn't find the Xiao Wu he was looking for. He looked around frantically and finally noticed me, saying: "Hello, I'm a friend of Xiao Wu's." Feeling very upset, I said to him: "Hello, don't you recognize who I am?" Old C was probably still thinking about the two hundred bucks I owed him, absentmindedly saying: "Are you Xiao Wu's cousin? Younger cousin? Friend?" While perfunctorily talking to me, he glanced at the wardrobe by the bed. I guessed he thought Xiao Wu was hiding inside to avoid debt. Sure enough, Old C strode over, but stopped after a few steps.
I secretly praised: This guy isn't completely stupid; he could still calculate that a cabinet 1 meter high and half a meter wide couldn't possibly hold a living adult, unless they were first raped and killed, then dismembered and chopped into small pieces to stuff inside.
Old C turned his head, looked at me again, and then said to me: 'When Xiao Wu comes back, tell him Old C came by, and ask him to give me a call.' I nodded, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. Damn, should I tell him that I am Xiao Wu? So, a fierce mental struggle began in my mind—to tell or not to tell! Old C is my good friend; if I don't even dare to tell him, who else can I tell? Since Old C is my good friend, he should be able to trust me. Hmm! So I made up my mind, threw caution to the wind, and decided to tell him the truth.
I said, 'Old C, you should recognize me.' Old C said, 'You do look a bit familiar, but I can't remember clearly.' I said, 'I'll tell you the truth, but don't not believe me. I'm Xiao Wu.' Old C said, 'Don't joke around. I'm a bit nearsighted, but I can still tell men from women. Xiao Wu is a man.' I said, 'Last night when we were drinking and fooling around with chickens, I was indeed a man. But when I woke up this morning, I suddenly found I'd turned into a woman...' Old C said, '...' I said, 'I know this is hard for you to accept, but we're good friends. You have to help me.' Old C said, 'I believe you. Then hurry up and pay me back the 200 yuan. I'm broke today.' I said, 'I don't dare pay you back. I'm afraid if I pay you back, you won't believe me anymore.' Old C said, 'How did you know? You know me so well... I believe you. You must really be Xiao Wu.' I said, 'You can accept this weird thing?' Old C said, 'Sure. What weird things don't happen these days? The world has long been messed up. Kafka even wrote 'The Metamorphosis.' There are people turning into beetles, so turning into a woman is nothing to make a fuss about.' I had nothing to say and shed tears of gratitude.
To be honest, Old C was really quite decent. Not only did he believe my rather absurd story, but he also tried to counsel me, helped me come up with ideas, told me not to be discouraged or sad. Since I was a woman now, all the A-V I had collected could be transferred to him—no use keeping it anyway; if I wanted to watch, I could just hide under the covers and look at myself. Since I was a woman now, there was no need to stay in contact with A-Lei anymore; he would take over A-Lei and would make her happy, ensuring she lived a blissful life, and so on.
I know Old C was joking with me. He has a very important principle in life: 'A friend's wife, never touch.' But his reason isn't noble at all: 'It's beneath me; I don't use second-hand goods my friends have used.'
Old C lit another cigarette, puffing smoke as he said to me: "Xiao Wu, do you understand what to do from now on?" I replied: "Understand my ass. The only thing I understand is that before, I was the one fucking others; from now on, I'm the one getting fucked by others." Old C mourned for me silently for three minutes, then continued: "Don't be so pessimistic. Life is vast. Having the chance to live a different life halfway through is also your fortune. To be honest, I'm tired of being a man too. If I turned into a woman like you, I'd be overjoyed." I said I'd help him, then went to the kitchen to look for a knife. Old C immediately turned pale, rushed over to stop me, and yelled: "Don't be hysterical! I'm just trying to comfort you. Do you want to castrate me?"
I fell silent. Why am I so easily impulsive now...
Old C said I needed to calm down properly. He seemed to make a lot of sense. He also advised me not to tell A Lei for now. Given A Lei's temper, she would definitely argue with me. I was terrified hearing that. I really didn't want to argue with her. When I was a man, I couldn't win arguments against her. Now that I've become a woman, with less experience, I'd be even worse at arguing. Although I often see women arguing on the streets and in markets, and their dedication and self-forgetfulness during arguments really move me, I've been a woman for less than a day now and have zero social experience. How could I argue with her? I'm not someone who overestimates myself. I need to prepare properly first. Sun Tzu said: Do not fight a battle you are not sure of winning.
After Old C left, I collapsed onto the bed, reminiscing about the bits and pieces of the past year with A Lei. What were those bits and pieces?
Was it the day I rode my old bicycle, taking her through the cobblestone alleys of old Shanghai under the sunset glow? Was it the day I held her hand, strolling through the quiet campus late at night? Was it the day she silently stood by my side, tears of grievance streaming down her cheeks? Was it the day I timidly walked behind her, watching her stomp her foot angrily and run off, followed by my loud, tearful apologies? Was it the day I gently kissed her hand, seeing a flower-like smile bloom on her face? Was it when swallows returned, and our crisp footsteps scattered in the park? Was it during the continuous drizzle, hiding together under an umbrella, listening to her laughter mingled with the pattering rain? Was it...
Stop, stop, I'm almost moved by myself. Damn it, with that thing down there gone, why is my train of thought so messed up? Xu Zhimo said, you know: I wave my knife, not taking away a single cloud. Look at how heroic, free-spirited, and unrestrained those who self-castrate are! Why am I so useless! Thinking of this, I slapped myself to snap out of my muddled state.
Indeed, I feel much better now. I think being with A Lei was just a moment of糊涂 and鬼迷心窍. Also, I told Old C: men love for sex, women have sex for love. I think that's absolutely right. But then why do I unconsciously recall those煽情 things just now?
Slap yourself once more.
Calm down, calm down. We must strategically despise the enemy while tactically taking the enemy seriously. In order to successfully say goodbye to Arlei, I had to quickly prepare some materials or some nonsense. In fact, materials are just nonsense, like randomly pulling a tattered book from a bookshelf full of cobwebs, then casually finding some ruined celebrity in the book, and casually quoting one of that celebrity's stupid lines: Am I really a cloud in the sky wearing pants? — Mayakovsky. Look, this line of nonsense, stupid beyond stupid, is the material I found. For example, I can also find the theoretical source of my becoming a woman from Zhang Xianliang's book title — Half of a Man Is a Woman! But this sentence is also pure nonsense. If that's the case, wouldn't people become androgynous? Then why did I go to the hair-washing parlor yesterday to find a prostitute? Wouldn't it be over just to have sex with myself?
But... how did I become a woman? Absurd! Truly absurd! An illusion, a terrible illusion! So I slapped myself again.
■■ Gender Transformation Record 3 Section 3
The phone rang. Covering my cheek, which I had slapped swollen, I picked up the receiver and immediately knew it was A Lei.
"You dead thing, you can get up now!" I pinched my own throat hard, coughed twice forcefully, and answered in a rough voice: "Mm-mm..." "Mm-mm your head, why is your voice hoarse?" "Mm-mm" "Then can I come visit you?" "NONO" "NONO your head, then I won’t go." "Mm-mm" "I’m going anyway! Wang Xiaowu, you must have taken a mistress!" "NONO!"
Smack, and the other side threw the microphone away.
That damn whatever-I-don’t-want to mention comes up every time, and now I’m already afraid of meeting Alai, yet that bitch comes knocking at my door. It really is true that in life, nine out of ten things are not as one wishes; who could have foreseen this? My heart is in Tianshan, my body grows old in Cangzhou! I sighed to myself for a bit, then quickly called Old C, because now only this guy could help me.
“Old C, Old C, I’m Xiao Wu, I’m Xiao Wu, do you copy?”，“Xiao Wu, Xiao Wu, I’m Old C, I’m Old C.” “A Lei has already come charging toward my side, I hope you can intercept her.” “Received, received, I’ll do my best, I’ll do my best, but if I can’t stop her, brother, don’t blame me for being incapable.” “You were never capable to begin with.” “Fuck your mother, you’ve already become a woman and you still dare to bullshit with me.” “...”
I hung up the phone, feeling very displeased.
Old C couldn't stop A Lei at all. When A Lei went crazy, she was like a lioness on stimulants. I once accidentally angered her and was immediately bitten all over, a miserable sight. That afternoon, I had originally planned to go to Old C's place to watch the latest Japanese AV video, but ended up hiding at home applying antiseptic red medicine. A Lei even gleefully giggled and mocked me.
Thinking of this, I shuddered and hurried to the storage room to get a sack, wrapped myself in it, put an aluminum rice pot on my head, and curled up under the bed.
With a bang, the door was kicked open, and then came the crackling sound: it was the noise made when the trash bags I’d left at the entrance were stepped on. My doorstep was piled high with trash bags, so traffic jams happened all the time; anyone who came to find me had to clear their own path, kicking the trash bags aside or stomping them flat.
Next, I heard the conversation between A-Lei and Old C.
"Wang Xiaowu, you dead bastard, get out here!" "I told you, Xiaowu isn’t home." "If he’s not home, then there’s a ghost, huh? Then who just answered my phone?" "He went out. He just went out." "He’s definitely hiding somewhere and too scared to see me. He must have done something to betray me. Just watch me drag that bastard out."
At that moment, I was so scared I trembled like a leaf in the sack. When the door was kicked open with a clang by A'lei, my heart spasmed, and then I passed out.
Now I have to ramble a bit to explain the feeling of passing out.
The feeling of being dizzy is really great; at this moment, consciousness is very blurry, but you can float around, drifting everywhere. In Taoist terms, it's like the spirit leaving the body. Everything you see is colored and flowing, of course not in a single color but mixed together with beautiful layers. And one's consciousness also rises and falls with the flow of these beautiful colors. This feeling is truly fantastic; it makes you feel that the space you live in is so monotonous and boring, while this illusory space of consciousness is so beautifully colorful.
Here, everyone I see has a color. For example, the Alei I see is pink, that kind of translucent pink with a faint beautiful halo. Although she is facing my corpse—oh, no, it can’t be called a corpse; it should be said that she is facing my body that has fainted—she is crying toward my unconscious body. Yes, crying. The tears she sheds are also translucent pink, dropping one by one onto the floor, unexpectedly producing beautiful strings of music. I never knew Alei could be so good-looking, so beautiful. Only now, after I have fainted to death, do I discover her beauty. It is truly a bit sad and ironic. Likewise, when I was still a man, I would not have cherished her much, but after I accidentally became a woman, I discovered that she was extremely important to me—very, very important. I even don’t know how to explain this absurd thing in front of her.
So without thinking, I fainted.
After fainting, everything became irrelevant to me, how wonderful. However, my consciousness saw me curled up pitifully inside the sack, motionless like a dead mouse, my head drooping weakly, with that aluminum pot placed beside me. I began to feel somewhat useless.
Ah Lei kept crying, kneeling beside my body. At that moment, Old C sneaked out and closed the door. Although Old C had a hundred ways to make a clothed woman strip naked, he couldn't make a grieving woman stop crying and laugh.
Now, only my consciousness, my body, and my woman remain in the room—no, I misspoke, my former woman. I silently watch her kneeling alone and helpless in the colorful, flowing space, crying, shedding pink tears with a faint fluorescent glow. It feels incredibly beautiful and heartbreakingly sad. This is truly not the A Lei I used to know. In my memory, she was a willful and impulsive girl, but now she has become so gentle and lovely. Does she only become like this when I'm unconscious?
I can't know, because I'm no longer a man now, and probably won't have much to do with her in the future either.
I guessed Alei already knew this fact; otherwise, she probably wouldn't have cried so hard. Anyway, it was the first time I'd seen her cry so intensely.
At this moment, my consciousness was gradually leaving her. Probably because the density of consciousness is lighter than air, as my consciousness slowly drifted, it involuntarily floated upward. I tried hard to sink down, but it wouldn't obey me, continuing to drift leisurely upward. Gradually, it left A Lei and finally floated out through the skylight.
Now my consciousness is no longer in that room; it has come outside. The sunlight outside is still glaring, shining on my consciousness, making me ache a little. I look at that house, thinking that inside there is a woman crying and lamenting for me. In the sunlight, my consciousness slowly dissolves.
When I woke up, I discovered that my consciousness had returned to my body, and I was lying peacefully in bed. A Lei was sitting by the bed, already asleep with her head resting on it, one hand still placed on my chest, which made my face flush red with embarrassment instantly. I am a woman now; my chest cannot be touched casually, even by A Lei!
I rubbed my eyes, touched my head, and thought about what had just happened. It was like a dream, completely chaotic. It seemed like ever since I became a woman, everything around me had become absurd and bizarre. I could no longer connect reality with fantasy. It was truly confusing; the whole world had become utterly ridiculous, perverted, completely not the world I knew yesterday. Right, when my consciousness was hazy earlier, I seemed to see A-Lei shedding tears over my body, and they were pink tears. I carefully examined A-Lei's sleeping face. Good heavens, there really were a few tear tracks.
Really? Fake? Reality? Illusion? All I can do now is give myself a hard slap in the face.
"Pa!"
I shook my head, which was a bit dizzy from my own slaps, looked around, looked at A'lei sleeping soundly, then looked at my own chest, and muttered, 'I *** still don't know if this is reality or an illusion...'
Sex Change Chronicle 4 Section 4
Through the window, the warm sunlight from outside streamed in, spilling over my body, warm and cozy, but I was still seething with anger inside. It was spring, the most beautiful season of the year. A weird singer named Wang Lei sang a song like this: 'Spring has arrived, the mating season has come.' Yes, an old proverb left by the ancients also says: 'The key to the year lies in spring.' Originally, I could have been rolling around in the gentle spring breeze, in the warm air, in my doghouse, on the soft bed, with my beloved A Lei, experiencing the greatness of love and the joy of intercourse. After finishing, I would light a Zhongnanhai cigarette, and amidst the swirling smoke, say deeply to A Lei: 'I love you, you are the brightest color in my life.' Using these corny words to exchange for A Lei's affectionate kisses or sweet hugs.
Whenever I am in A Lei's arms, I am so happy that I don't care about anything, don't think about anything, as if the whole world is left with just the two of us, naked and hugging each other, we are Adam and Eve.
How pathetic I am, once in a woman's embrace, I lose all sense of myself. So someone like me is destined to have little ambition.
I admit I don't have any grand ambitions or ideals. However, when I was 7 years old, my ideals were quite lofty—I always fucking thought about becoming an artist or a scientist. I still remember bragging to my childhood friends while we played naked with mud: 'When I grow up and become a scientist, I'll have a big house, and we can play naked with mud in there every day!' Of course, this great ideal never came true. First, I didn't become a scientist when I grew up. Since starting middle school, I lost interest in studying because I felt everything I learned was all fucking nonsense. I also thought the reason parents and teachers made me study from childhood all the way through high school was just so I couldn't play naked with mud every day. Sometimes I think: if I had been playing with mud since childhood until now, I might have molded two villas by now. See, because of them, I can't even achieve my ideal of having a big house. Now I live in a small, rundown place like a doghouse.
Having grown up this much, I feel life is becoming less and less satisfactory, yet increasingly forced to adapt. A foreign uncle named Albert Camus said that the first half of life is an uphill climb, and the second half is downhill. It seems to teach us young people to cherish life, especially this first half. But I secretly think, how hard is the uphill climb, step by step like a mountain porter, while downhill is easier, you can muddle through even with your eyes closed. Look at the life I'm living now, still on the uphill climb? Every day I open my seemingly innocent little eyes wide, wear a smile, speak true and false nonsense, day by day living like a human in a dog's life. Only
Only when going to a small restaurant to drink with Old C at night did I dare to reveal my true self, laughing and joking, cursing heaven and earth, and then crying to each other.
How helpless and repressed she felt; only after ejaculating and collapsing into A Lei's warm embrace did she realize what warmth truly meant.
What is happiness? What does it mean that 'a woman's embrace is a man's paradise'?
Now it's great, I've turned into a woman. I can't clink glasses recklessly with Old C anymore, I can't get down and dirty with A-Lei anymore. Can life even go on like this?!
While I was lost in random thoughts, A-Lei beside me suddenly moved, turning her face to the other side, then continued sleeping drowsily. I was startled at first, then relieved—scared me, I thought she had woken up. Actually, I knew A-Lei couldn't stay passed out like this forever; I still had to face what needed facing and explain to A-Lei what needed explaining. But I'm just someone who doesn't like taking responsibility, afraid of getting involved in things. So when A-Lei wanted to come to my messy place to find me, I tried every way to get Old C to cover for me.
I'm afraid, I'm afraid of seeing A-Lei's angry face with tears in her eyes. I'd definitely hang my head like a dog that lost a fight, feeling helpless and awkward in front of her. Although I've always believed in this truth: 'Women have sex for love, men love for sex,' I still can't help but not want to hurt A-Lei. I always feel she's like a beautiful piece of porcelain; you can't let her get hurt. Once hurt, she'd crack from the inside and then shatter.
I remembered again how A-Lei and I met (for detailed details, please refer to my 'Wang Xiaowu's Love Story').
), back then I was crazily obsessed with the internet, shuttling between chat rooms and BBS forums. Because I felt that irresponsibly spouting off in chat rooms and BBS was a very cathartic and enjoyable thing. If I wanted to, I could find someone to curse out, and that person would be so angry their nose would be crooked but still couldn't find where I was, haha, it was really fun. Later, one day I racked my brains and wrote what is to this day my most proud poem, then posted it on a BBS. The poem's text is as follows:
I love women, oh... women don't love me, oh... I still love women, oh... women still don't love me, oh...
ＯＶＥＲ。
I personally think this poem is absolutely brilliant. But to be honest, this poem isn't my original work; the first two lines were created by Mr. Lu Xun, though the last two lines were indeed written by me. Mr. Lu Xun is such a great man; I just borrowed his lines to expand on them. I doubt anyone would accuse me of plagiarism. Besides, all writing borrows from others; who can remember who copied from whom?
But I never expected that people on the internet would be so vulgar. It would have been enough if they had no respect for me, but they didn’t even show respect for Mr. Lu Xun. My poem was simply ignored by no one, left cold and lonely in the corner of the BBS. I was furious and cursed in annoyance: so vulgar, so vulgar, a bunch of vulgar people, not even knowing how to appreciate such an outstanding literary work. Just as I was seething with anger, I found that someone had replied to my post, and it said: "Haha, then let me love you."
The girl who made this follow-up post was A Lei. That's how we met, then we dated, went shopping, ate ice cream while shopping, which gave me stomachaches several times and even caused cavities. When we got almost sick of eating, she rightfully became my girlfriend.
So our meeting wasn't romantic in the slightest, which is why I've always doubted whether the love between the male and female leads in those soap operas on TV, who love each other to death, is real or fake. That's why I think a girlfriend is roughly equivalent to ice cream. But this girlfriend, who was practically exchanged for ice cream, cried tears after I turned into a woman. This world is truly unreasonable, so unreasonable it's almost absurd. Was it predestined? Although I bought her ice cream just to see her cute, innocent smile, the ice cream melted into sweet liquid and flowed into her stomach, only to turn into bitter tears and return to me.
Damn it, now I feel that I, who have become a woman, am not pitiful; Alei is the pitiful one, actually shedding tears for someone like me. What exactly is love? It can make people willingly degenerate. I really think Alei shedding tears because of me is a form of degradation. Me, such a worthless man, whose greatest daily joy is going to a dirty, dark little restaurant with Old C to drink a few shots of Erguotou, and after getting drunk, still going to a hair salon behind Alei's back to vent desires; me, such a man without ideals, my ideals were eaten by dogs long ago, long damn accustomed to the repetitive day-to-day life, falling into the pathetic cycle of life without resistance; me, such a man who doesn't understand love, love in my eyes is ridiculous and absurd, just like the soap operas on TV every day, falling into clichés, nothing fresh; me, such a man who treats desire as emotion, I always thought only going to bed is real, everything else is bullshit and nonsense, talking about love is worse than honestly earning more money.
I'd rather deceive myself into thinking Ah Lei's tears were just a moment of confusion, and that these tears could serve as the most sorrowful and helpless gift since I became a woman. Enough, let's not dwell on it. Someone once said: Life is like being raped; since resistance is futile, you might as well enjoy it. Life goes on, the rape continues; the only change is that before, I was the one fucking others, now others are fucking me. No big deal.
Just as I finally came to terms with it, A Lei woke up...
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