For work, I rented a two-bedroom apartment near the university. I lived in one room, and sublet the other to a college student named Zheng Yue, whom everyone called Xiao Zheng. Xiao Zheng had an outgoing personality, and soon became friends with me. Living with him was his girlfriend Shanshan, a typical post-90s girl.
Shanshan is about 1.7 meters tall with a well-defined figure. Her brown long hair is usually worn down, carrying a faint, fresh scent. She has a petite face, delicate features, ample breasts, and fair, smooth skin. What's most noticeable about her are those straight, slender legs; even in ordinary loungewear, they outline a very nice silhouette. Both she and Xiao Zheng enjoy drinking, so the house is often stocked with various kinds of alcohol.
Shanshan occasionally wears a strappy nightgown to the living room to get water. The thin fabric clings to her body, the shoulder straps thin, her collarbone and the skin on her chest appearing exceptionally clean under the light. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of this through the door crack, and my heartbeat involuntarily quickens. That feeling of being so close yet untouchable slowly ferments in my heart into a suppressed longing.
Once Xiao Zheng and Shan Shan went out shopping, leaving me alone in the house. I hesitated for a long time outside their room door, but eventually used the spare key to open it. The room was very tidy, with underwear, stockings, and some personal items neatly placed in storage boxes. I didn't rummage much, just stood there taking a deep breath; the air seemed to still carry the scent of the shower gel she often used. That smell made my scalp tingle. I quickly left the room and locked the door again. After that, my attention towards her became even more obvious.
Later the four of us would occasionally drink together — me, Xiao Zheng, Shanshan, plus one friend of mine. The atmosphere at the table was relaxed, everyone toasted each other and talked about work and school. After drinking, Shanshan's face would flush red, and she would speak more freely than usual. When she smiled, her eyes would curve, her shoulders trembling slightly, and the camisole would sway gently with her movements.
Once they drank quite a bit. Xiao Zheng was clearly struggling to hold on, so a friend suggested taking him to a nearby clinic for an IV drip. Xiao Zheng was worried about Shanshan, so he helped her back to the room before agreeing to leave. The door was locked. The house suddenly became quiet.
I stood in the living room, listening to my own heartbeat. The spare key was in my pocket. At that moment, reason and desire pulled fiercely. In the end, I still walked over and gently opened the door.
Only a dim yellow bedside lamp was on in the room. Shan Shan lay on her side on the bed, breathing evenly, clearly having drunk too much. She wore the loose home clothes from the day, her hair spread messily on the pillow. I stood by the bed watching for a long time, and finally reached out to gently touch her arm. She didn't react.
I sat on the edge of the bed, hesitating for a long time. My hand finally rested on her waist. The body beneath the fabric was warm and soft. My fingers slowly moved upward, touching the outline of her ribs, and further up to her breasts supported by her bra. Even through the clothes, I could feel their fullness and elasticity. I leaned down, my forehead against her shoulder, my breathing becoming heavy.
Who knows how long had passed. I began unbuttoning her clothes. My movements were very slow, afraid of making too much noise. Pink underwear came into view, and her skin was dazzlingly pale under the light. I lowered my head and buried my face in it, the smell of her filling my nose. My palm wrapped around one side of her breast and gently kneaded it. Even in her sleep, her body gave a slight response—her breathing quickened a little, and her nipple slowly stiffened under the stimulation.
I continued downward. The jeans were a bit tight, and it took some effort to take them off. When the pink underwear was fully exposed, my hand paused mid-air, frozen for several seconds. In the end, I still pulled down that layer of fabric. I spread her legs apart, and her private parts were completely exposed before my eyes. I leaned down closer and could smell the unique scent there. My tongue tentatively touched, and her body trembled slightly, but she didn't wake up. Under the stimulation, her love juices gradually secreted, wetting my lips.
I stood up and adjusted her position, making her lie flat with her legs spread wider. My own pants were already stretched tight. I held myself and rubbed back and forth at her entrance, feeling the wetness and warmth there. A flicker of reason struggled at the last moment but was quickly overwhelmed by a stronger impulse. I pushed forward slowly with force from my waist.
The sensation of tightness, warmth, and being completely enveloped made my scalp tingle. I didn't dare move too vigorously, only thrusting slightly. My hands braced on either side of her body, my eyes fixed on her face, fearing she might suddenly open her eyes. Her eyebrows occasionally furrowed, her breathing became less steady, but she never truly woke up.
In this state of both tension and extreme excitement, I increased my speed. The pleasure built up quickly. At the final moment, I didn't pull out but thrust deeply inside, leaving everything within.
Afterwards I sat by the bed, my mind completely blank. It was a long time before I started tidying up. I put her clothes back on, covered her with the blanket, and after making sure the room had returned to how it was, I quietly left.
After that day, I became more cautious, yet also more unable to control myself. Whenever Xiao Zheng wasn't around, I would find excuses to get close to Shan Shan. Sometimes it was drinking and chatting together in the living room, sometimes helping her fix her computer or move things. The physical distance was slowly broken down through each contact.
Once she was half-drunk, leaning on the sofa and smiling at me. I reached out and brushed the hair from her forehead; she didn't avoid it. The next second, I kissed her. Her lips were soft, tasting of alcohol. At first, she seemed stunned, but then she opened her mouth. The kiss was long, and both of us were a bit breathless when it ended.
“Do you know what you’re doing?” she looked at me, her eyes glistening with tears.
“Got it.” I said.
From then on, things no longer required a spare key or getting her drunk. She would take the initiative to message me when Xiao Zheng was attending evening classes and tell me to come over. The door was no longer locked shut. The room's lighting was turned very dim. She would take off her clothes herself, then look at me and wait for me to cover over her.
We rarely spoke. Most of the time, we were just entangled physically, hurried, silent, yet with a tacit understanding. After it was over, she would let me leave first, while she slowly straightened her clothes and the bedsheet. Occasionally, she would leave a remark like 'Be more careful next time,' and then push me out.
Xiao Zheng remained completely in the dark. He still treated me as a good friend, occasionally even pulling me aside to drink and chat. Sitting across from him, listening to him talk about his daily life with Shan Shan, my mind was filled with an entirely different version of the picture.
This relationship has no promises, nor does it have a future. It's more like an unspoken game, using bodies to fill a certain emptiness, and using silence to maintain a superficial calm.
But whenever late at night and everything is quiet, lying in my own room, I still think of the slightly furrowed look on her face when she was beneath me, think of the feeling of being completely accepted when I entered her, and think of her silent side profile as she leaned against the bedpost and smoked afterward.
Once desire is ignited, it is difficult to completely extinguish.
And this shared rental house near the university became a secret we kept together.
The days that followed were deceptively calm on the surface.
Xiao Zheng still rode his old electric scooter to class every day, and on his way back, he would casually pick up two bottles of cheap beer. Shan Shan continued attending her elective classes, occasionally spreading out her notebook in the living room to write papers. I went about my usual routine, leaving early and returning late, with the supermarket business being neither booming nor failing. When the three of us sat at the same dining table for meals, the atmosphere was even more natural than before—because everyone was trying hard to maintain that naturalness.
Only I knew that that naturalness was won through countless glances, countless deliberately averted fingers, and countless suppressed breaths.
What really pushed the relationship forward again was a rainy night a month later.
That day, Xiao Zheng's supervisor suddenly notified him to work overtime on an experiment, estimating he wouldn't return until after midnight. Shan Shan sent me a message in the afternoon:
"He's not here tonight. Come over. The door isn't locked."
After work, I didn't go straight home but lingered at a nearby convenience store for a long time. I picked up a pack of cigarettes, then put it back; picked up condoms, but ultimately returned them to the shelf. By the time I reached the building entrance, the rain was pouring. I stood under the eaves, smoking half a pack of cigarettes before going upstairs.
The door was indeed slightly ajar.
Only one floor lamp was on in the living room, casting a dim, yellowish light. Shanshan sat on the sofa, wearing a loose white shirt that ended mid-thigh. Her hair was still damp from washing, and she was barefoot, her toes lightly pressing into the carpet. Seeing me enter, she didn't speak, just glanced up at me, then tossed the TV remote aside.
I walked up to her. She looked up, her eyes unnervingly calm.
“Do you know what we’re doing?” she asked, her voice very soft.
“Got it.”
“Then you're still coming.”
“Coming.”
She reached out and tugged at the corner of my clothes, pulling me downward. When the kiss landed, it carried the faint mint flavor of an orthodontist and a hint of smoke. I knelt on one knee at the edge of the sofa, my hand slipping under the hem of her shirt. She wasn’t wearing anything underneath. The skin at her waist was warm and smooth, and above that were soft breasts. In my palm I could feel her nipples gradually harden, and my thumb slowly circled them.
Her breathing became ragged.
The clothes were quickly taken off. Two bodies entangled on the narrow sofa. I lowered my head and took one nipple into my mouth, gently grinding it with my teeth, while my other hand had already slid between her legs. It was already wet there. When my fingers probed inside, she tensed her feet, but didn't make a sound. Only the faint sound of wetness was amplified in the quiet room.
I picked her up and walked to the bedroom. This time, I wasn't in a hurry to enter. I laid her down, knelt at the foot of the bed, and spread her legs. Under the light, her private parts were fully exposed, the pink color slightly flushed with arousal. I lowered my head and kissed her, my tongue meticulously tracing every contour. Her fingers dug into my hair, initially just a gentle grasp, but later pressing my head down forcefully.
“Don’t……it’s too slow……” she finally said, her voice carrying an obvious nasal tone.
I didn't listen to her. Continued tormenting her most sensitive spot with my lips and tongue tip until her waist involuntarily lifted, the inside of her thighs began to spasm. When her love juices gushed out, she bit the back of her own hand, muffling all sounds in her throat.
Only then did I get up and take off my own clothes. At the moment of entry, both of us let out a suppressed sigh. Her inner walls were hot and tight, gripping me in layers. I didn't move immediately but leaned down, forehead against hers, looking into her eyes.
“Look at me.” I said.
She opened her eyes. There was no love in those eyes, but a kind of candid desire and a secret sense of complicity. I began to thrust. At first, I was somewhat restrained, but later I completely let go. The bed frame made a rhythmic, soft creaking sound, and the sound of flesh colliding seemed especially clear in the rainy night. Her legs wrapped around my waist, her heels knocking against my back, like a silent urging.
Before the climax arrived, I asked her: 'Come inside?'
She nodded, but avoided eye contact.
My last few thrusts were deep and heavy, all released inside her. She climaxed simultaneously, her inner walls contracting violently, gripping me tightly. The two of us maintained the connected position, breathing heavily. After a long time, I slowly withdrew. The mixed fluids trickled down her inner thigh, leaving dark stains on the bedsheet.
Afterward she did not let me leave right away. We lay side by side, listening to the rain outside the window. She found a cigarette from the bedside table, lit one, took a puff herself, then handed it to me. We smoked it in silence together. The smoke slowly dispersed beneath the ceiling.
“Xiao Zheng probably won’t be back for another two hours.” she suddenly said.
“Mm.”
"Next time... you lock the door."
I turned my head to look at her. She was staring at the ceiling, her expression calm.
From that day on, the rules became clear.
As long as Xiao Zheng isn’t home, or it’s certain he’ll be back late, Shanshan will send a brief message. Sometimes it’s “Tonight works,” sometimes just a time. I would show up at the agreed time, open the door with the spare key, or simply push open the slightly ajar door. Afterward, she would let me leave first, staying behind herself to open the windows, change the sheets, and shower. Sometimes before I left, she would add one more round, cleaning me up with her mouth, her movements skillful and silent.
Their physical compatibility was astonishingly high.
She likes being entered from behind, especially when standing in front of the floor-to-ceiling window. Even when the curtains are drawn, the illusion that someone might see her makes her especially aroused. I would grab her hair and make her tilt her head slightly back, while my other hand reached around to knead her breasts. Her cries would gradually grow from restrained to wanton, until I reached over and covered her mouth. Sometimes the semen would be shot onto her back, and sometimes it would all stay inside. She never refused being came inside; she would only carefully wash herself afterward.
Once after finishing, she leaned against my chest and suddenly asked, 'Have you ever thought about what would happen if he found out?'
I thought about it. 'Probably would fight, then move out. Or worse.'
“Are you afraid?”
“Afraid. But I’ll still come.”
She didn't speak again, just buried her face in the crook of my shoulder.
Xiao Zheng wasn't completely unaware.
Once when he came back early, Shan Shan and I were on the living room sofa. Our clothes weren't fully off when the door sounded. We quickly separated; I grabbed my jacket pretending I had just come in. Xiao Zheng looked at the slightly messy sofa and our somewhat unnatural expressions, just smiled and said his experiment ended early. That night the three of us sat together watching TV, the atmosphere eerily tense. Shan Shan hardly spoke, while I desperately tried to make conversation.
After that night, we toned it down for a while.
But once desire is awakened, it is hard to close it back up completely. Two weeks later, Shanshan sent me another message. This time the location changed to a budget hotel near the school. The room was very small, and the soundproofing was poor too. Yet we were like two lovers who had not seen each other for a long time, tearing at each other’s clothes the moment we entered the door. Halfway through, faint banging sounds and a woman’s moans came from next door. Shanshan listened to those sounds, and her inner walls suddenly clenched, squeezing me painfully. She bit my shoulder and reached a very intense climax.
When we came out, it was already dark. We did not leave together. She left first, and I stayed in the room for another ten minutes. When I went downstairs, I saw her standing under the bus stop sign across the street, looking down at her phone. The night breeze lifted her hair, and the streetlight cast a hazy halo of light on her. At that moment I suddenly felt that this relationship between us was both filthy and clean—filthy because of betrayal, clean because both of us knew clearly that this was nothing more than a transaction about the body.
Without promises of love, there is no qualification to be let down.
When winter came, things changed.
Xiao Zheng started preparing for the postgraduate entrance exam. He became very busy, often holed up in the library or lab, sometimes not coming home for several days in a row. Shan Shan suddenly had a lot more free time. The frequency of our meetings went from once or twice a week to almost every other day. Sometimes it was at the shared apartment, sometimes at a hotel, and occasionally we would even drive to a budget motel in the suburbs.
The physical familiarity had reached a point where no extra words were needed. She knew I liked her to moan when she climaxed, and I would deliberately slow down to torment her when she was close; I knew there was a particularly sensitive spot on the back of her neck. If I gently bit it with my teeth, her legs would go weak. We were like a pair of dancers in perfect sync, pushing each other's pleasure to the highest point within the limited time.
But the more this goes on, the more obvious a certain sense of fatigue becomes.
Once after finishing, she stared at the ceiling and suddenly said, 'It seems like we've done everything we were supposed to do.'
I turned my head to look at her. 'What do you mean?'
“It’s just... the nervousness and the thrill of sneaking around at the beginning seem to be gone. Now it feels more like... a routine matter.”
I fall silent. Because she is right.
That initial heart-racing guilt, the fear of being discovered, and the excitement of breaking the taboo are being replaced by a habitual pleasure. We still enjoy our bodies, but no longer with the all-or-nothing desperation that accompanied every meeting before.
“Do you want to end it?” I asked.
She thought for a long time before shaking her head. "It's not the right time yet. At least... wait until he finishes his postgraduate entrance exams. Bringing up a breakup now would be too cruel."
I nodded and didn't ask further.
Since then, when we met, we talked a little more. No longer just taking off our clothes, going in, climaxing, and leaving. She would talk about her thesis progress, about her confusion regarding future work; I would talk about the supermarket business, about how sometimes I felt trapped in this not-too-big, not-too-small city. In the gaps between our entangled bodies, we exchanged fragments of each other’s lives like two ordinary friends.
Strangely enough, this conversation instead made sex feel deeper.
Once, while she was riding me, she suddenly leaned down and kissed me. The kiss was long, slow, and carried a tenderness she had never shown before. After it ended, she didn't get up immediately but lay on my chest, listening to my heartbeat.
"If it had been you who rented this house first, and then sublet the other room to Xiao Zheng..." she suddenly said, "would things have been different between us?"
I didn't answer.
Because some assumptions are meaningless. The reality is: she is Xiao Zheng's girlfriend, and I am their shared apartment landlord and friend. On a bed that doesn't belong to us, we repeatedly possess each other briefly, and then return as if nothing had happened to our respective roles.
On the day the postgraduate exam results came out, Xiao Zheng treated us to a meal. He did well, passing the target university's score line. At the table, he drank a bit too much, grabbed my hand, and thanked me for always taking care of him, saying we should keep in touch even after he moves out. Shan Shan sat beside us, smiling appropriately, occasionally giving me a look that only I could understand.
That night, they returned very early. I sat alone in the empty living room, listening to the faint sounds from the next room—they probably did it too. I lit a cigarette and watched the smoke slowly rise toward the ceiling.
The text message was received at 2 a.m.
"Tomorrow he's going to report to his advisor. The house will be empty during the day."
I looked at that line of text and replied with an 'Okay.'
The next day I took leave. At noon sharp, I appeared at the shared apartment. Shan Shan was already waiting inside. Today she was dressed simply, in a T-shirt and sweatpants, no makeup on her face. Seeing me come in, she didn't pull me straight into the bedroom like before. Instead, she first poured two glasses of water, handing one to me.
“Finish the drink before doing it.” she said.
We sat on the sofa, chatting intermittently. Sunlight leaked through the gaps in the curtains, drawing narrow bands of light on the floor. She suddenly asked me, 'Have you ever thought about the future?'
“What kind of later on?”
"It's just... the future of a relationship like ours. Someday it will end, right?"
“Yes.” I said, “all secret relationships will end. Either they get found out, or you get tired of them, or life pushes people onto different tracks.”
She nodded, as if receiving some confirmation. Then she stood up, pulled the hem of her T-shirt over her head and took it off. She wasn't wearing a bra underneath. She walked over to me, straddled my lap, and leaned down to kiss me.
This kiss was different from all the previous ones. Less urgency, more of a certain solemnity.
We did it very late. From the sofa to the floor, then to the bedroom. She was unusually proactive, almost demanding. When she came, she didn't suppress her voice, just cried out frankly. When I came inside her for the third time, she held me tight, her legs not letting go either.
"Let's leave it at that." She said in my ear, her voice a little hoarse. "Enough."
I understood what she meant.
From that day on, we no longer sent messages about meeting up.
After Xiao Zheng successfully enrolled, they quickly moved out of the shared apartment. On the day they moved out, I helped with the moving. When Shan Shan handed the keys to me, her fingertips lingered in my palm for a second. She looked at me, smiled very lightly, and didn't say anything unnecessary.
Later we would occasionally run into each other near the school. She would nod to me, and I would nod back. Sometimes Xiao Zheng was there too, and he would come over enthusiastically to greet us, dragging me off for a drink. At the table, Shanshan sat quietly to one side, occasionally meeting my eyes before quickly looking away.
All the entanglements, gasps, sweat, and secrets that happened in that shared apartment were properly sealed away in the past.
No one mentioned it.
And no one forgot.
Sometimes in the dead of night, I still think of her frowning slightly beneath me, the sensation of being fully opened yet tightly wrapped when entering her, and her silent profile as she smoked afterward. Desire has subsided, but memories are like old film reels, occasionally awakened by a chance scent or light, as clear as yesterday.
The shared apartment was later rented again to new students. The new tenants were warm and polite, and occasionally invited me to eat with them. I tactfully declined.
Some doors, once opened, are never suitable to be locked again.
And some people, once they become a secret of the body, can never revert to being ordinary neighbors.
The wind still blows in through that window. Only now, inside, there are different people.
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